Q:
    Hi K,

My name is Kenneth and I am from San Diego, CA. I am an attractive, but balding, 56 year old male (African American). I am a divorcee and have 4 grown children. I am financially stable and live alone. I am only attracted to 20-something women. Especially Asian women. Let's say I have the Woody Allen complex. Hehe. Seriously though, my family is really upset with me about my decisions to bring much younger women to family get-togethers such as BBQs, weddings, and holiday parties. I have no desire to date anyone over 30. I don't understand why but I also don't understand why I should be forced to do so in order to gain everyone's approval. This is increasingly becoming a bigger problem as family and even friends are inviting me to their functions less and less. Family means a lot to me and this is really hurting me emotionally. Additionally, I have trouble maintaining relationships with these young women because I have found they are not ready to settle down in relationships - which I can understand since I was in my twenties once too. This also causes a problem with my family accepting me. I don't want my family to stop seeing me and I certainly don't wish to date people solely to please others. What do you suggest I try to do? Thanks much for your advice.

A:
  First of all let me say welcome Kenneth and thank you for sharing your hardship with us.

  Your problem is not uncommon and neither are the reactions that you seem to be getting from those close to you, don’t worry, you’re not alone. After reading your message I believe you seem to be torn between two courses of action: Whether or not to continue your behavior, but more importantly: whether or not you believe it is wrong for you. While you feel that your dating choices should not be determined by those around you, I see that you also seem to feel that it is causing a problem and not just with other people. Before you are able to decide what action you are willing to take it is important that you understand some of the reasons that could be causing you to feel this way.

  In your question you wrote that you “…have no desire to date anyone over 30. I don't understand why…” this is important, that you do not seem to understand your motivation. I agree that a person should not have to change their dating habits to suit others, however if you continue to inflict women on your friends and family that seem only to represent a personal problem that you are not facing, I believe you can continue to expect their disapproval simply because they want to help you resolve the real issue.

Some common reasons for dating people who are significantly younger:

• Fear of aging or death: One of the most common reasons to either desire to be around young people or try to maintain a lifestyle that others feel is immature by comparison to your true age. Just as most children look longingly toward adulthood as a time an absolute freedom, many people as they get older seek youth and in doing so, the escape from an aging body or mind and eventually death.

Are you unable to date women who are closer to your age because they remind you that you are no longer in your twenties? When you keep the company of younger women do you find that you feel more youthful? Dating isn’t the only way to keep your heart young, and you may also find that the physical age of a person does not always determine how youthful their personality might be. Perhaps you stereotype women of a certain age group and believe that they are incapable of enjoying the same things as a younger woman might?
If you do find that have a fear of aging and/or death that could be causing this behavior I recommend that you find someone to speak with, whether it be a close friend or a professional therapist, it is an issue most people have difficulty with at some point in their life and if it can be resolved to a comfortable level, I would expect you to feel a great deal less pressure to chase youth.

• Is your attraction simply physical? We live in a society where youth and beauty are still highly prized despite the decades of discussion about how not to be shallow. Unfortunately a great deal of this is learned behavior which has been a part of your life since a very early age. The desire to be intimate with younger women can even in part be traced to natural instinct, though to rely on this may prove an untrustworthy path. If the attraction to these younger women is simply physical I’m afraid you will have to decide if this enough to make you happy or if you can overcome your physical desire to explore the other attributes that you find attractive in women.

Continued below

Ready for a long-term, healthy and happy relationship?

Fall In Love For All The Right Reasons

Are you looking for that man who cares and listens? - Find it HERE

   If you find that any of these explanations apply to you, perhaps it is time to take a break from dating and simply work on yourself. In your mail you mentioned that you did not want to be forced to date a specific kind or age of woman simply to please others; the truth is you may already be dating these younger women just to that; not to please your family members but to push away another problem you have that is governing who you are allowed to enjoy being with. It is no more freeing to be ordered by your instincts than those who care about you.

  In the end Kenneth until you know exactly why you choose to date only younger women you may have no way of resolving the issue. Try to spend some time on yourself, discover what lies behind this selectiveness and if in doing so you find your resolution I congratulate you. If on the other hand after a little self exploration you still have unanswered questions feel free to email us here at KattChat or seek the aid of an experienced professional who maybe be better able to assist you with this very complicated issue.

  Be well Kenneth and be happy, thanks again for sharing your feelings and please feel free to write again for help or if you would like to share your progress with us.
-Katt