Though it is a good and often necessary to compromise on many issues when in a relationship, at times people can go too far, essentially losing a sense of self, the very same traits that the other person found special in the first place. On the opposite side of the spectrum there are those who indulge selfishly in their relationships and simply take all that the other person has to give without giving anything in return. To find the balance between these two extremes is just one of the fine lines people walk every day.
Bringing the You Back into the Relationship
Understand that while you may share many common interests with the person you care for it is also good to have your own. The temptation to weed out activities that you cannot share with your partner is especially tempting toward the beginning of the relationship during the “honeymoon” phase if you will. The result of such behavior can be devastating whether or not the relationship continues.
Couples that remain together and find that they have little or no separate interests find that they have very little to talk about. Many couples can discuss work as most do not work side by side each day, this in most cases doesn’t seem to be enough. Another problem can be that couples that keep very busy lives, work and family can certainly keep a person active, assume that by sharing these interests they are keeping the relationship interesting. Setting aside time each day to discuss the days’ events with your partner is excellent, but if you will remember toward the beginning of the relationship it might not quite have the same zest as it once did. Explore topics and activities that lie outside of the normal routine and you may find that an exciting phase of your relationship is possible anytime you want it to be.
Given enough time many relationships can grow stale, often the simplest reason for this is that you and your partner know everything about each other, the wonderful “getting to know you” stage has ended and in its place you find the person you see every day to be comfortable, trustworthy and unfortunately in many cases not very exciting. At this juncture many people decide to end the relationship, some feel that to continue on is more work than is worth the effort. For others however, especially those who love the person that they are with, leaving and starting over are not a viable option.
How then do you refresh the stale day-to-day life with your special someone? Intimacy of any kind can certainly not only change up a routine but bring you closer to the person you love. Not necessarily does that intimacy have to be sexual, though the bedroom in many cases is a great way to reconnect it can’t usually solve ALL of your problems.
One exercise that seems to be useful is to imagine that you are alone, try to make time even if it’s difficult that requires nothing of you. During this free time what would you do? With no other person to compromise with what would be your ideal way to spend your time? Now please keep in mind that for those of you who have little free time lounging about on the sofa might be the only thing you want to do, but not quite the goal of the exercise. Try to remember what your interests were before the long work hours, the mortgage and the PTA meetings, those interests and dreams believe it or not helped lead you to the person you are spending your life with. Too often people are forced to set them aside for the daily demands that leave no free time. Here is your chance, make some time!
The question you have to ask yourself is simple, do you find yourself interesting? If so, what about you do you find interesting, does your partner also see this in you? Try to share above and beyond the daily routine, not only will it create an environment that rises beyond a stale relationship but you may also learn things about the person you love that are exciting and might just bring you closer together.
If the answer to the questioning of an interesting you is no, perhaps it’s time to explore why. The old saying: “No one will love you if you don’t love yourself,” might get an eye roll or two but is none the less true. How can you expect to be exciting to your partner if you don’t find yourself to be so? Make the time! You want to be able to proud of who you are and in turn make that special someone proud as well.
Suggestions- to the Point:
- Keep it interesting by making time for you, a little mystery and reveal is exciting.
- Don’t let the day-to-day be the only topics or activities that you and your partner share.
- Compromise maybe a necessary part of every relationship but remember to maintain your identity, it is after all YOU who they fell for in the first place isn’t it?
Too Much You, Not Enough Us
Perhaps you find that both you and your partner have plenty of outside interests and none of them seem to mesh? This is a complicated issue for many reasons, it can be caused when couples stay together for reasons that do not necessarily include falling in love or having that desire to spend their lives together or perhaps they have grown apart over time; in some cases one or both people lack the time or desire to put in the much needed effort to stay close to the person they love, almost as if being comfortable is an excuse not to work on the relationship. The common misconception that once a person has “settled down” in a relationship the work ends is one of the main reasons why relationships fall apart.
Compliments, appreciation, common courtesies to name just a few are many of the actions that dwindle away once one person feels at ease with their partner. No matter how long two people have been together letting each other know that you care is always meaningful. Take the time to let your partner know that you appreciate them, find special and unique qualities about them to point out, most people want to feel that they are special to their loved ones and just a few words can really make a persons’ day.
Do you make time for your partner? When couples have separate interests there are times when they want to share them with each other; some people have great difficulty giving attention to others especially if they find the topics that their loved one wishes to discuss uninteresting. This is a very difficult to problem to overcome, even those who attempt to find something they like in their partners interests or hobbies may find that in all honesty they are bored to tears. It’s okay not to have all the same passions that your special someone does as long as you give them a little time to express how they feel about them. Remember that to be dishonest about how you feel will most likely only lead to your unwelcomed commitment to interests you don’t wish to be a part of, but to ignore your partners’ enthusiasms is to ignore your partner. Give and take works for just about everything when two people try to make a life together, put in the effort to listen and to be active if your partner invites you to share what they love and make sure that you receive the same courtesies in return.
Making demands on others can often lead to fights, but to express that in order to be happy you require certain things to be true is a necessary part of any healthy relationship. Compromise is essential for most people to be happy but you must communicate the things you want, do not expect that the other person should know; having to repeat oneself and never firmly expressing the thought in the first place are not at all the same thing. Always make time to speak with your loved ones, try not to do this when either one of you is angry as often times it’s unproductive but be sure to be honest about how you feel. Another major problem in communication is not being able to see the other person’s point. Obviously if you respect your partner you should value their opinion, using words like “you’re wrong” as opposed to “I don’t agree” may sound very silly but can quickly defuse anger so that you can both move on to truly and respectfully discussing the problem.
Suggestions- to the Point:
- Being comfortable is not an excuse to take advantage, remember to let the other person know you appreciate their being in your life, a few words or a small gesture can go a long way.
- Make time for your partners’ interests as well as your own, try to find something positive about them and if you find that impossible: at least be patient and attentive when you make time for them to express their thoughts on what makes them happy.
- Requests are granted, demands met grudgingly; remember that in almost any case a compromise can be found and that you should treat your partner with respect when discussing how you feel. Fighting may lead to great makeup play but otherwise it is usually unproductive, set aside time that is convenient for both you and your partner to discuss any problems.
As there are all sorts of couples who have many different ways of making their relationship work, as well as their own reasons for being in the relationship in the first place, sometimes the problem of why they have nothing to share cannot be addressed without facing some difficult facts.
When All You Have to Give isn’t Enough
It is possible that you and your partner have grown apart, and in order to stay together both of you will have to put in some real effort. In some cases it is also possible that no matter how much you may have loved one another at one time changes have taken place that will keep you at a distance, a distance that cannot be bridged. Not to say that if the relationship becomes difficult one should throw in the towel, but there are times when continuing your efforts does nothing but more damage to both parties. One of the best indications of this is when you, your partner or both have no desire to try, to communicate to fight for your relationship. Many people stay together even when they are both very unhappy because they do not want to risk failing, they do not want to hurt others such as children, or they fear being alone. In most cases none of these reasons will result in a happy relationship, nor will they be beneficial to those around you. These three reasons are all too common and while very complex have very definite results.
- Staying together not for each other but for other members of your family: Tension and distress will be detected by other family members and often creates problems that manifest themselves in other ways. Separation is extremely hard on children there is no doubt about that, however to live in environment where the parents are obviously unhappy is often far worse. Children especially need support and guidance and will not feel at ease if they are aware of a building tension between their parents. The important factor in separating is to work hard at the other relationships you have with your family members, keep in mind you are all going through this together and will need the support and love that you have for each other.
- The desire to succeed in a relationship is common; many feel that to separate indicates that they have failed in some way. Taking a look at your own flaws is never a bad idea whether or not you’re involved with another person, but unless one member of the relationship took some action that was inexcusable in most cases placing blame is only hurtful and unneeded. Knowing when it’s time to call it quits takes courage, especially when you have been with one person for a long time or there are a lot of complicated issues that will need to be addressed. Looking at the ending of a relationship as a failure is a very negative and unproductive way to think, instead try to remember that in all parts of life we make mistakes or change and we leave certain things behind. It is a natural part of life to move forward, to know when it’s time is anything but failure.
- The fear of being alone not only causes people to stay in both romantic and platonic relationships that might be doing them more harm than good it creates a desperate and needy feeling in the person which can feed some very ugly issues; such as insecurity, jealousy even depression. This fear is not often found in confidant people who are happy with whom they are; as such people with this nature usually have strong relationships because they are not dependant on other people for happiness. Human interaction is both healthy and in most cases a vital part of life, however spending time alone can also be not only productive but a good way to keep in touch with whom you are and where you are going. If this fear should apply to you, try to find out what it is that makes you afraid and overcome it. Needing people or another person in order to feel happy all the time too often indicates a problem with person in general, work on those problems and often a stronger person will emerge who is able to better pick those they surround themselves with.
When one person is lucky enough to find another that they wish to spend their life with it is a truly amazing event and should not be taken lightly. Love, such a powerful and exciting emotion will not overcome neglect if people are not willing to take the time to work on their problems, always be willing to put in the time to make your relationship a stronger, happier one, and to make yourself a confidant, happy person. |
